New meaning to the Counter Top Man

So, I’m talking to my girl and I’m asking her about her week. Work is good, her parents are great, and her daughter is growing into a wonderful, smart and responsible young lady. Oh and she’s thinking of remodeling her kitchen so she had a guy come by to measure the cabinets and the counter tops. I love a good remodeling adventure, sounds like a trip to the Home Depot is in our future.  I swear I just heard this girl moan. I mean I like Home Depot and all but…No, she says there’s more. The guy that was recommended by a coworker comes over to give an estimate, measure the cabinets and counter tops and he is whipping out his tape measure, bending, reaching, muscles flexing, talking handy man talk  and suddenly re-doing the counter-tops became doing her on the counter-top. “Seriously, this really happens in real life and not just Zane books?” Yes it happens she says, it happened, and it was amazing. So now I’m somewhere in between curious, amused, embarrassed, jealous and slightly turned on by the idea. Since I’m “selectively celibate” I have to live vicariously through my girls quixotic encounters and I want details. Which she gladly divulges.

It was spontaneous, exciting, bumpy, physical, raw and cabinet doors weren’t the only things slamming, opening and closing. He was swinging his hammer like John Henry and hitting the nail right on the head. I’m staring at her trying not to picture her but still get the visual. I need a cigarette and I don’t even smoke. When it was done there was no shame along with no strings. Basically a Bye Felipe, and I had no judgments.

So what about the cabinets? Oh replacing them is a must but it won’t be by the counter top man that was recommended by the coworker. She told me he sent her a dick pic. Although he was well endowed we laughed equally as hard as he appeared in the picture. Not at the picture but that grown men actually send unsolicited D.P’s to grown women and think it’s sexy. He called the next day, and the day after and while she tried to entertain him, he invaded her adulthood with uninvited, unwarranted, unwanted, and un-sexy phone sex talk and text which turned out to be a turn off for her. Turns out they call it a one night stand, because well one night is all you can stand…So he didn’t get the counter top job, but he got the job done.

At the end of the day when you Bout That Single Life, you can do what you want, when you want, with whomever you want. You can get your counter tops done or get done on your counter tops. #Datpart

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Along Came a Spider

So I was fresh off a four and half year bid, and by bid I mean relationship. The funny thing is I hadn’t even realized I was in a relationship until it was over. It was an on again off again situation that left me a lot of freedom and uncertainties and him with insecurities and trust issues. The first couple of months I was in denial, like he aint going nowhere. The three or four months following I was in a complete state of desperation and shock. Now this was 4 ½ years of DYS-FUNK-SHUN! Toxic and unhealthy however, he was great to my son, so I was hard pressed to get back to chaos, when you live in chaos for so long it starts to become normal. But, he was done and I was suddenly single and dead set against getting serious again because part of me still held out hope for Mr. Dysfunctional but then Along Came a Spider. He used all eight legs to wrap around me and string me up in his web of deceit. I was bringing him to church amen, thanksgiving dinner, I’d exposed my personal family life and that is a big deal for me.

Now hind sight being 20/20 I realize I was so high up off the floor on the rebound I failed to see the game going on around me. He had been up and down the court hitting jump (offs) shots, smashing lay-ups, and knocking down free throws…pun, pun, and pun intended. So the Spiders way of being “up front”. (Clearing my throat) HIM: Been single about 8 months (hey same as me) the break up was amicable, she relocated to her home state, and we remain friendly. Ok I have no problem with that (what’s that in my face? oh just a red flag) although a small part of me has a problem with that because when you break-up and leave windows cracked there is always the possibility of a future drive by. But I tarry on. Another facet has been revealed, he’s an ex-drug addict (all the drugs anything he could get his hands on he said) and as we sat there sipping apple ciroc, he proclaims he’s clean and sober. That red flag has now hit me in the back of my mofo head like girl you know better. But people recover and live healthy lives, everyone deserves a chance to not be judged by their past mistakes. So I tarry on because now at this point in the game he has professed his love (all of 3 ½ months later) He then divulges that the ex will be coming back in to town to take care of some legal business (excuse me red flag, would you mind not waving so blatantly in my face I’m trying to develop a relationship here.) So I ask will you be seeing her, is she staying with you, like what’s up? HIM: Oh no, she won’t be staying with me, in fact I can stay with you if that’ll make you feel better and I spend all my time with you anyway so that won’t change.

No that’s not necessary; as long as her visit doesn’t disrupt our flow I’m good. Fast forward six weeks, and she needs a ride from airport. What does that have to do with you? Turns out…the legal issues that she needs to take care of, he was involved in. So because he is working a stable job and she’s a first time offender (wait and you’re not? But I don’t ask) she agreed to take full responsibility as long as he agreed to be there for her if she needed him. (and you’re going to let her?) I later found out through my own investigation being there for her included paying her cell phone bill (as she and her son was already on his plan) being on his medical/dental insurance (he gets it for free) and she still has a key to his place (but what does it matter she lives out of state) OK let me hurry up, there’s a concert coming up and I say I want to go can you get some tickets he says he’ll let me know. EXCUSE ME? Let me know what? A few days later he advises me the same day I want to go to the concert is the same day she’s flying in and not only is he picking her up from the airport, she’ll be staying with him. I can’t see shit but red and it’s more than flags. I’m not even going to get in to how he tried to convince me this wasn’t a big deal, the real issue here is I was negotiating my feelings and trying to convince myself this was ok. And no judgments, it may be ok for some but it aint ok for she, her me. But it took a minute and several conversations with my girl for that to resonate. Now I have to recover from a rebound situation that I didn’t even want to be in. I’m all tangled up in this web and I have a big ol’ attitude. He called me constantly trying to convince me this meant nothing and things don’t have to change. I ignored him, blocked his number, and he showed up at my house talking about he needs to know something, he needs closure. So I closed the door in his face. At the end of the day when you Bout That Single Life you can’t blame the Spider for spinning the web, it’s their job.